Loving Stretches, Teaches Us, and Helps Us Become Better Versions of Ourselves
Even if it results in a broken heart, being in love can stretch the limits of our self, show us parts of our identities that we hadn’t known were in us. It’s quite an adventure learning who we are and who we are not willing to be.
One of my first loves was focused on the small-town existence, and I was not willing to settle for living in one place my whole life. I didn’t want to grow old in the place I had grown up. Though I didn’t consider myself particularly adventurous as a teenager, this relationship made it clear that I needed new physical worlds to explore in order to grow myself.
Another love taught me how to explore my sexuality in safe ways, and while I thank him for that, I am unsure if I am grateful for him also teaching me that sex can be callous. Relationships can exist without feeling or reciprocated emotion. That was a hard lesson, but without it then, the world might later have seemed stranger, harsher later. I pushed the boundaries of my sexual side and discovered comfort and joy. Coming from a family that had shunned anything sexual, this gave me happiness and made me feel more whole as a person, merging the sexual aspects that I had wanted to explore with who I was already.
Someone else showed me that I was not willing to tolerate certain things. I was not willing to put up with someone who only put himself first, and I could, and would, kick such negative characters to the side in order to positively move my life forward again. I had thought we were partners, but it became clear that he did not consider me an equal or worthy of his respect in ways that were insulting to me. I want a relationship in which I am valued and valued fully.
In the ending of this relationship, this man became aggressive towards me, likely because of his wounded ego, and I learned that I can push that sort of nonsense to the background. While I had gotten into a bit of a rut in life while being with him, separating from him let me start again in many ways and let me discover that I can always bounce back. It was a delight finding out just how resilient I was. It’s one thing to imagine it, but to have a chance at a fresh start in a wholly different place (physically, mentally, or spiritually) than you might have been in a few years ago? What fun! This was a rewarding lesson, though every lesson has some pain from the thrown with the flower.
Being with another man let me realize how much I value mental stimulation as part of a romantic relationship. I gravitate towards smart men, and sometimes that’s a downfall. If there’s only mental stimulation and bad sex (that’s happened), it’s not satisfying. But, if there’s a mindless relationship, I don’t feel challenged, and I want my partner to challenge me to grow and to help me analyze the world. I want brains, heart, and sex. That’s the triumvirate for a good relationship in my book, and it’s clear to me that without all three pieces, the relationship is doomed. With several failed relationships behind me because they were lacking one or more of those pieces, I have accepted this as truth, am no longer willing to let it slide, and have my eyes on getting the whole package.
Like dandelions, we can grow as individuals whether it’s in rich soil or the cracks in asphalt. The pieces of our personalities that find growth in a small town may differ from a larger city, and the person that we’re with now will let us grow in different ways than we may find later with someone else. There are no perfect people out there, including ourselves, and it’s an adventure being in a relationship since we can grow in unexpected ways. There is fun and joy in finding out, no matter where we are in our lives, how we can find a bit of pleasure, discover that we are good at something, that we are not willing to settle in some ways, or that we do value something enough make a change. We are never finished, hopefully, growing into better, more comfortable versions of ourselves.
