Listening Deeply with Children
We hear that we should practice deep listening with colleagues and others around us in the adult world, so why wouldn’t we apply those same intentional listening skills to children?
We respect the inherit worth of everyone, regardless of age, race, sex, etc. Listening deeply to another’s words and body language are ways for us to show that respect.
We Matter at Every Age
One of the worst feelings as a kid was being treated like just a kid, feeling that it didn’t matter what I said because I was a child and I didn’t have the life experiences to really know what I was talking about. I try to make sure that my own daughter experiences as little of that nonsense as possible.
To Listen Deeply to Others, Listen to Yourself
If we reject the emotions that we ourselves are feeling, we bottle up emotions and aren’t able to process some of the more negative emotions in a healthy manner.
It’s okay to be angry or sad sometimes. We don’t have to swallow that negativity and pretend that it doesn’t exist, that we aren’t human. Instead, we need to acknowledge our emotions in order to figure out what to do with it, whether we can channel it or if we can just let ourselves feel it and so work through it. Watching sad movies and crying can be therapeutic. If you haven’t tried it, now’s the time.
Once we are honest with ourselves, we may be able to see the emotions and mental state that others may be in a bit easier.
Listening to Others
We Feel, Even If We Can’t Fully Verbalize What We’re Feeling
In her article “These Emotionally Intelligent Habits Can Make You a Better Listener,” Judith Humphrey’s first tip is about responding to the emotion of the other person, not just their words. Children so often have strong emotions that they cannot adequately put into words what’s on their minds even if they were inclined to give you an earful. We can try to listen even if the speaker can’t fully verbalize that he or she is thinking or feeling.
Acknowledge the Child’s Emotions as Worthwhile
Acknowledging a child’s emotions and indicating that those emotions are worthwhile is powerful. While teaching a preschool class during Sunday School, I noticed that one of the girls was keeping very quiet and had seemed upset when she had arrived. I asked if she was okay. She was honest and shook her head no. I asked her if there was anything I could do to help. She seemed surprised and took a momentary pause. Then she shook her head no again, but her face lightened up after that, glad to have been asked and acknowledged. She didn’t become exuberant later in the class, but my respecting her emotional state and checking in with her during each activity, inviting her into activities without pressuring her, helped pull her forward towards the group rather than pushing her away; it was okay not to be in a great mood, and it was okay for her to not want to do all of the things that the rest of us were doing. We respected her space and her emotional state.
Acknowledge Body Language
Another suggestion for deep listening is to watch for nonverbal cues. I think most people who have been around kids recognize the importance of body language, but acknowledging the situational circumstances may actually be worth considering more deeply.
Fewer Life Experiences Doesn’t Mean Emotions Aren’t As Strong
So often I think adults shrug off children’s emotions, especially strong reactions, as “Oh, he’ll get over it. It’s no big deal.” Well, the thing that the child is responding to, like a friend being mean, may not be a big deal to an adult who’s learned how to deal with such situations. But, to a child who hasn’t had these life experiences, this is a big deal. Helping the child to work through the emotions associated with the situation is valuable, not just for the child learning how to deal with the situation but in showing that you respect the child enough to take the time and effort to work through something that matters a lot in that child’s here and now.
Reveling in the Moment May Increase Happiness
Just because we’re adults doesn’t mean that we can’t revel in the here and now in the same way that children seem to be able to slip into, something I envy a bit.
In her TED Talk “My Stroke of Insight,” Jill Bolte describes the experience of having a stroke and how she viewed the experience then and afterwards as a brain researcher. She revels in the stroke’s ability to show her how being ‘in the moment’ is such a real, powerful thing. She was unable to escape from that way of viewing the world while having her stroke, but afterwards, when the hemispheres of her brain were once again functioning normally to allow her to reflect on that nirvana, she relates how powerful it was for her. She talks about choosing how to live, stepping away from the feeling of being connected or choosing to live in the now.
Experiencing life only in the moment and experiencing them in the more logical, linear way are separate parts of ourselves, and choosing to be more one than the other at particular times can help us be better people. Helping children to recognize when they are experiencing one of these perspectives helps them to then later choose which of their identities to use at a given moment, perhaps having the more logical part of themselves engaged in a later job interview, for example.
But, in order to guide children in this way, we must recognize ourselves the emotional state that the child is currently in, listen to them fully in that moment with our ears as well as our hearts and minds. Then we can gently guide and teach. Please watch Jill Bolte’s presentation, embedded below. The first 15 minutes focus on her experience, but the last roughly 5 minutes reveal her true insights and are worth making it through the first 15 minutes if you struggle to understand how her talk may apply to you.
Sources and Further Reading
Humphrey, Judith. “These Emotionally Intelligent Habits Can Make You a Better Listener.” Fast Company. 9 Nov 2017.
Myles, Alex. “The Life-Changing 90 Second Secret.” Elephant Journal. 26 Oct 2015.
Taylor, Jill Bolte. “My stroke of insight.” TED Talks.
